I realized, after yesterday, that just sitting around hoping things would get better just wouldn't cut it for me. I needed some goals, a plan. While I don't quite have the plan yet, I do have a list of goals.
1. Define my relationships and make them the best whatever they are they can be: I have been practicing triage polyamory for a little too long, I think, and it's getting to me. I want to know where I stand with the people I love and then work on developing those relationships. I want my relationships to be fulfilling, and I believe that they can be, but I know that if I expect them to be all the same I will be sorely disappointed. I love the people that I love: T., D., and C., but I love them differently. Not more or less, but differently. And to be honest, with some of them I don't know where I stand, and with others I'm afraid that I don't stand where they want me to stand. But I have to be honest. With them and with myself, and then I have to work from there.
2. Get T. and D. to be friends again: I've been feeling like crap for ruining a friendship, even if it was accidental, and I think they could be good friends again, but there's a lot to get over. T. says that they're solidly at acquaintances now. Freaking great. I want them to be friends again, maybe not best friends or brothers like T. and J. but something better than now.
3. Help Stabilize my group of friends: We are in a state of turmoil. I would say it's a freaking warzone, but it's more like the cold war: calm, calm, even friendly, than some conflict where nothing is actually settled. It sucks. It's almost unendurable. I'm tired of the power struggle. I don't blame anyone and I'm not mad at anyone, but this needs to be fixed. So I'm going to do what I can to make it better.
And that's my grown up Christmas list.
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
How I've Been
Okey-doke. So no doubt people have noticed that I've been a little off
lately, what with the crying and all. Sorry about that. I've been
feeling sort of depressed for the last few weeks. Part of it is my brain
being screwey, and so I'm going to get my meds adjusted with maybe a
stronger anti-depressant. But I know that's not all I need to do.
What's been going on for me is this: I've been feeling guilty, like everyone's unhappiness is caused by me (well not everyone on the entire planet, but a lot of the unhappiness I've been dealing with recently). And I've been feeling powerless to help everyone, which only compounds the guilt. I've also been afraid to go to anyone for help, lest I only add to their burden. I've also been trying to take on everyone's problems in part to help them, and probably in part as penance.
Another of my problems is that I don't trust people. Not that I think they're bad people or always plotting something, but I don't trust people not to be fragile or not to screw up. I have a tendency to see people as being made of glass, and that if I push to hard they will shatter. I also tend to think that people don't always take the constructive solutions, and that if I depend on anyone else, they will, although well intentioned, mess it up worse.
And the last of my problems is hopelessness. There have been some problems lately that I've been dealing with in my relationships and friend groups, and I think I may be blowing it way our of proportion, but it's been hard for me because I can't see it getting any better. When I look to the future, I see it continuing as it is, all strife and struggle, or exploding in a massive conflict which will shatter everything. And then I will be left to pick up the pieces. I know this probably isn't true, but this is how I've been feeling.
What I need to do is learn to accept help and, yes, even sacrifice without feeling guilty, I have to let other people do for me as I am willing to do for them. I need to realize that it's not a test or a trap, but a genuine offer out of love. I also need to learn to trust people more, and not think that they will break. Maybe people are tougher than I think they are. I also need to have a little faith in the future, in time. Thomas says that things get better, eventually, and I guess I need to remember that.
Anyway, I'm really going to work on this, but I can't promise it will be instant. Anyway, thanks for being here for me :).
What's been going on for me is this: I've been feeling guilty, like everyone's unhappiness is caused by me (well not everyone on the entire planet, but a lot of the unhappiness I've been dealing with recently). And I've been feeling powerless to help everyone, which only compounds the guilt. I've also been afraid to go to anyone for help, lest I only add to their burden. I've also been trying to take on everyone's problems in part to help them, and probably in part as penance.
Another of my problems is that I don't trust people. Not that I think they're bad people or always plotting something, but I don't trust people not to be fragile or not to screw up. I have a tendency to see people as being made of glass, and that if I push to hard they will shatter. I also tend to think that people don't always take the constructive solutions, and that if I depend on anyone else, they will, although well intentioned, mess it up worse.
And the last of my problems is hopelessness. There have been some problems lately that I've been dealing with in my relationships and friend groups, and I think I may be blowing it way our of proportion, but it's been hard for me because I can't see it getting any better. When I look to the future, I see it continuing as it is, all strife and struggle, or exploding in a massive conflict which will shatter everything. And then I will be left to pick up the pieces. I know this probably isn't true, but this is how I've been feeling.
What I need to do is learn to accept help and, yes, even sacrifice without feeling guilty, I have to let other people do for me as I am willing to do for them. I need to realize that it's not a test or a trap, but a genuine offer out of love. I also need to learn to trust people more, and not think that they will break. Maybe people are tougher than I think they are. I also need to have a little faith in the future, in time. Thomas says that things get better, eventually, and I guess I need to remember that.
Anyway, I'm really going to work on this, but I can't promise it will be instant. Anyway, thanks for being here for me :).
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