Sexualization and Power

So I think I figured something out. Why women feel degraded by sexualized images and men don't. It's about power. When women are sexualized, they feel like power is taken from them, when men are sexualized, they feel like power is given to them.

The problem then, isn't really with sexualization of characters at all. It's about who the sexualization is for.

For the longest time, women's sexuality has been seen as belonging to men. Sexualized women are "eye candy" for men. Why?

And worse than that, if a women does claim her sexual power, she's a bad girl. (See: Madonna/Whore complex). If a woman controls her sexuality, she's dangerous, and not in a "ooh, she's so dangerous, I like that" sort of way.

Maybe some of the sexualized characters in the media do own their sexuality, may they do claim their own personal sexual power. But we are culturally inclined not to see it.

Maybe not seeing it this way is why, at least for the longest time, I haven't been bothered by sexualized characters. One of my closest friends is highly sexual, and she owns her sexuality. Although she's not perfect (nor are any of us), that idea that your sexuality belongs to you, is a positive message to me, and in that way she inspires me. When I think of sexualized characters in my head, I see someone like my friend, someone who is proud of her body, someone who claims self-ownership. She does not flaunt her body because she is told to by society, nor because it gives her power over other people's desires, although she is free to enjoy that other people enjoy her body. She flaunts it because she is proud of it. She loves herself, and is confident and strong.

I know this isn't what most people see, and when I look at sexualized characters the way they do, it bothers me a little bit too. The idea that women are stripped of their agency that way. My body is my own. It doesn't exist for the benefit of someone else, although if I want to use it to give them pleasure, it is my right to share it with them. And if both (or more) of us enjoy it, there is nothing shameful or wrong about that. And that doesn't take the power of my body away from me, nor does it take it from my partner. As consenting adults, instead it allows us to share in each other's personal glory. To claim and enjoy our bodies. And to feel empowered within our selves. At least that's what sex should be, I think.

So, maybe, just maybe we don't need to get rid of sexualization, we need to own it.

Sexual Harassment & Flirting

When I was in high school, I was sexually harassed.

The first day of school, I had to move seats in my free period because a guy kept trying to get me to go out with him despite me saying know. He said things like "I have a car." People came up to me and said, with a laugh, "my friend" (who I had never met before) "likes you." A guy in my English class called me his "Passionate Lover" despite the fact that I had no interest in him and asked him to stop repeatedly. Another guy in my English class tried to pretend (jokingly) that he was my boyfriend. I moved seats then too.
They made me feel like there must be something wrong with me. That clearly if wanting to date me is such a joke, I must not be someone anyone would want to date. They made me uncomfortable with sexuality and my own body. I felt a little sick after these things happened

In college I was flirted with.

The man I would later marry shared my interests, and talked to me about things we both liked, like puns and British humor. He said I was beautiful. He joked with me, and not about me, and treated me like a person. He waited at the top of the wheelchair ramp in the library while I rolled my over-sized back pack up it, because it wouldn't go up the stairs. He found me attractive, and yet treated me with respect.
He made me feel like I was wanted. Like I was special. Like I was beautiful.

This is the difference.

Some more feminism stuff

http://whoneedsfeminism.tumblr.com

I need feminism because I am not less worthwhile because I have a husband, a boyfriend, and a girlfriend (and I am honest with each of them).

Am I a bad feminist?

Looking a my last post I worry that I'm a bad feminist. I do believe in feminism. I do believe in equal rights. I guess I would call myself a "sex positive feminist." Am I a bad feminist because I like looking at attractive women and don't find anything wrong with it?

On Objectification and Gaze

Okay, so I've been reading a lot about feminism recently, and I've heard a lot about the concept of Objectification and Male Gaze.
Let's talk about objectification first. I am a bisexual woman. I find both men and women attractive, and what's more I think it is entirely possible to see someone as attractive and even admire that person's attractiveness without treating them like an object. I'll use an example:

Catwoman, the Dark Knight Rises

Catwoman is very attractive in that, er, catsuit. She is also an interesting character with a story all of her own. When I see her as attractive, am I reducing her to a object? Personally I don't think so. I can look at her character as a person with a personality, feelings and flaws and also admire her attractiveness. I found some shots of her quite attractive, but I also found her story compelling. Why are these mutually exclusive? They're clearly not amongst real people, so why should they be for characters?

Another weird thing: I don't think I've ever heard a man complaining about feeling objectified. Why is that? My Mom gets pictures of shirtless guys on her birthday cards all the time. Twilight (say what you will about it's literary quality) is pretty much purple prose about how attractive a vampire guy is. And yet, I haven't heard any guy say that they feel objectified because of it. Why is that? When women often find portrayals of women objectifying?

That said, seeing people as mere objects of sexual pleasure is bad. I don't have a problem with people having sex for pleasure, nor do I subscribe to the idea that there is only one, or two, or whatever ways to have sex. If people want to have one night stands for pleasure, as long as they respect themselves and their partner, that's fine. Respect means seeing them as a person, and treating them that way. And I think that finding someone sexually attractive does not violate that tenant.

Next on Male Gaze: the idea of male gaze is that women in fiction are often presented as they are seen by men. Meaning focus on parts that would be looked at by men--breasts, butt, legs. The problem is this: I'm a bisexual woman. I like looking at attractive women too.

I think "Female Gaze" is growing in our media (see: Twilight, as mentioned above), but yes, examples of it are rarer than examples of Male Gaze. I think equal opportunity fanservice is probably a good idea. But I don't think it's (a) possible, or (b) right to try and get rid of all sexualized or attractive imagery in our media. Should we be bombarded with it everywhere? No. But is it okay, even wanted, sometimes? Yes.

Now, I have a lot more to say about sex, but I think I'll finish up this blog and post another one on some more topics.

Edit: Reading some stuff, I worry that I might have not said some things I mean to say: While it is alright to find people attractive, it is not alright to disrespect them because of it. Most people aren't comfortable with catcalls, etc. There is a fine line between flirting and sexual harassment. I think I'll talk about this next.

Tropes Analysis: My RPG Characters

Rebecca:
AKA Lightning Struck Candle. Dawn Caste Solar in the Viva La Vida Exalted Game.

• Action Girl: Rebecca is a strong combatant
• Martial Pacifist: Rebecca prefers to talk first, but she will fight if necessary. And believe me, it often is.
• Good Is Not Soft: And when she does fight, she will kill if she has to, even though she hates it.
• Statuesque Stunner: Rebecca is 6'3 and appearance 5 (the highest you can get in exalted without supernatural assistance)
• Bifauxnen: Generally wears men's clothes and binds her breasts (for combat practicality, not to pass as another gender).
• Tall Dark and Handsome: 6'3, dark brown hair, and very attractive. She's a girl, though
• Deadpan Snarker: She often uses Sarcasm to as a coping mechanism in tense situations.
• Self Deprecation: Half of her acerbic wit is directed at her self.
• The Captain: Became this once they got a ship
• The Ladette: Debatable example. She is sexually active and generally the initiating partner, uses foul language frequently, and loves to devour roast-beef sandwiches, and caries her self in a fairly masculine manner. But she is also sexually and personally responsible and actually believes in love and romance.
• Morality Chain: Rebecca is this for Graveflower and used to be it for Sorrow.
• Loved I Not Honor More: Rebecca loves her various love interests, and greatly cares for them, but her first duty is to creation to the point that if she has to kill them (because they jumped off the slippery slope and decided to try and kill everyone), she would, although she would greatly regret it).
• BFS: Fights using a Grand Daiklaive. The blade itself is six foot. 
• Bi The Way: Rebecca has had sex and romance with both men and women.
• Chronic Hero Syndrome: Rebecca goes around helping people as much as she can.

 Millie
AKA Captain Milicent "Millie" Davis. Allied soldier fighting Nazi Zombies.

• Plucky Girl: Oh so much. Not only does Millie has a will of iron (to the point that not even dying could stop her), she remains hopeful throughout.
• Determinator: As stated before:  WILL OF IRON.
• Hope Bringer: Millie's optimism is contagious, to the point where it got her command of her own special unit in England.
• Waif Fu: Although Millie generally uses a pistol, her unarmed combat (which she is capable of) tends to look like this as she is five foot nothing and 90 pounds.
• Dance Battler: Millie learned the dexterity she uses in combat from ballet.
• Pettanko: Millie is not well endowed.
• The Captain: Millie was promoted to Captain and given command of her own unit shortly into her tour in England (after her success in Russia and an unintentionally well timed Hope Bringer comment)
• Sweet Polly Oliver: Sort of. By the time she actually made it to the field, everyone knew she was a girl, but she did disguise herself as her brother to get past the recruiter. In a slight subversion of the usual trope her being discovered wasn't that big a deal as the army was just that desperate.
• The Medic: After it was discovered that she was a girl, the army gave her some medical training. Although she wasn't her squad's primary medic, she was often the one in the field with them, rather than back at their base.
• Combat Medic: She also had quite a bit of combat training.
• Action Girl: Millie is also a good fighter.

Miranda
Half-Tiefling trying to prevent genocide on her race.

• Combat Pragmatist: Miranda doesn't believe that fighting has rules. The rule is to survive. She is willing to use pretty much whatever it takes to win (short of things like harming innocents). She applies this philosophy to war as much as personal fights.
• Guile Hero: This is probably the best way to sum up how Miranda fights, although sometimes she is strangely straightforward--such as flat out telling the third party in the war that she is giving them territory to establish a buffer between tiefling territory and the territory of the people trying to kill them.
• This opposes the leader of the faction trying to kill her faction, as he thinks he is an Action Hero, although he's much more like a combination of Hitler and Roman Emperor Nero. Before she discovered what his faction was trying to do and joined the tieflings, he tried to give her a combat training scenario (basically capture the flag). He did this by "killing" all of the soldiers portraying the opposing forces. When Miranda tried to get in by pretending to be a girl stuck out in the rain (as they had never seen her before), he lambasted her for "Lacking Killer Instinct." She proved him wrong when at the end of the game, she shot him in the face.
• Moe: Invoked by Miranda. She uses this as part of her Combat Pragmatism. It's much harder to kill an underage looking girl with a stutter, and much easier to let her into their base. That said, all of those traits are genuine, she just uses them to her advantage.
• Older Than They Look: Miranda looks underage, but she's actually about 19. She's just very malnourished, growing up in a fantasy analogue to post WWI Germany
• Hooker With A Heart Of Gold: Because she didn't have any other resources, she used to trade sex for food to feed the children at the orphanage she grew up in. The "alliances" she made there actually made it easier for her to make allies for the Tieflings.
• Orphanage Of Love: Where she grew up

Sarai
Part angel healer in the No Children Vorseus D&D game.

• White Magician Girl:  Sarai focused more on healing and protecting the party. She was "Laser Cleric" build.
• The Medic
• Morality Chain: She was basically this for her boyfriend Nick (a very conflicted necromancer), and sometimes the entire party.
• Actual Pacifist: She wants to be this so much, and often manages, but sometimes it's just not possible.
• Reluctant Warrior.

My Goals

I realized, after yesterday, that just sitting around hoping things would get better just wouldn't cut it for me. I needed some goals, a plan. While I don't quite have the plan yet, I do have a list of goals.

1. Define my relationships and make them the best whatever they are they can be: I have been practicing triage polyamory for a little too long, I think, and it's getting to me. I want to know where I stand with the people I love and then work on developing those relationships. I want my relationships to be fulfilling, and I believe that they can be, but I know that if I expect them to be all the same I will be sorely disappointed. I love the people that I love: T., D., and C., but I love them differently. Not more or less, but differently. And to be honest, with some of them I don't know where I stand, and with others I'm afraid that I don't stand where they want me to stand. But I have to be honest. With them and with myself, and then I have to work from there.
2. Get T. and D. to be friends again: I've been feeling like crap for ruining a friendship, even if it was accidental, and I think they could be good friends again, but there's a lot to get over. T. says that they're solidly at acquaintances now. Freaking great. I want them to be friends again, maybe not best friends or brothers like T. and J. but something better than now.
3. Help Stabilize my group of friends: We are in a state of turmoil. I would say it's a freaking warzone, but it's more like the cold war: calm, calm, even friendly, than some conflict where nothing is actually settled. It sucks. It's almost unendurable. I'm tired of the power struggle. I don't blame anyone and I'm not mad at anyone, but this needs to be fixed. So I'm going to do what I can to make it better.

And that's my grown up Christmas list.